To FB or not FB? – Guest post by Lili Tarkow-Reinisch

*Contains strong language

To FB or not FB – That is the question:

If it’s about lovin’ Jesus
– Tell him, not me. Hell, why not add him as a friend? You should be able to do that. Or, even better, Tweet him! Apparently he’s got a lot of followers.
You published a book –
– I wanna hear about it! Congratulations, you!!! But, what is this – you READ a book? STFU and keep reading. You’re supposed to read books.
You woke up this morning and had eggs? e.g.{g.}. “Just made some eggs, yum!”
– I’ll let you in on something: It’s not called ‘News Feed’ cause I wanna know what you ate. This is not news unless you could, or did, get arrested or killed for eating it.
If you post a video of a 15 year old girl, high on morphine, who just had a half dozen wisdom teeth removed, and whose angry, aging, ex-cheerleader mama finds it funny to drive the car around in circles until her kid thinks she’s flown in from Hogwarts and given a blow job to Hagrid –
– Yeah, post that shit! It ain’t right, but it’s damn funny.
A photo of Lindsey Lohan’s tits?-
– Why, no thank you! That’s just mean, girls!
A photo of David Hasselhoff’s tits? –
– Hell yes! Post it and tag that mother fucker. It’s time for some Baywatch reversal of fortune!
A guerrilla firing a rifle?
– Zero interest.
A gorilla firing a rifle? –
– Warming to it…
A gorilla with a rifle shooting at guerrillas with rifles? –
– SHARE!!! ‘Say hello to my little friend!’ Bang ba bang bang bang!
A video of your dog who ‘talks’ like the girl who had her wisdom teeth removed? –
– Pass. That shit should be private between your and your dog. And I bet you talk more to your dog than to your girlfriend. And you’re a problem drinker. And so’s your dog.
A link to an article about a man forced to marry a donkey because, damn, that long-lashed ass was mighty fetching after the man drank a barrel of bootleg whiskey?
– Bring it on! Don’t leave out any details. Some photos would be good. Did he get a lap dance from a horse at his bachelor party? {cheater!} And, by the way, where’s the wedding registry? Put me down for a picnic hamper for those two lovebirds.
Anything that completes the saying: ‘May the … be with you’. Whether it’s the the force, the 4th, the fort, the fork, the whores, the horse {see above}, the tort, the fuck, {and, for 50 percent of all marriages, the divorce}…
– Enough of that shit. It’s been old for decades. From now on, every time you use that phrase or paraphrase it in your FB status, a puppy somewhere dies. And that’s the gospel according to Luke.
A video of any bungee-brained, cultural non-specific redneck savant walking a homemade tightrope between two abandoned buildings who out of some irony ain’t never heard of Darwin…but will soon meet him
– Don’t post unless he actually wins a Darwin Award. I wouldn’t naturally select to watch this fucker ‘whoop, whoop!’ his way toward his own descent.
Other than walking those first steps, if your sweet little baby child just performed an act which, in fact, all humans with an IQ of over 30 {and your average chimpanzee} can, and should do –
– Yeah, post it, but don’t expect me to like it, and by the way, I’m busy for the next 10 years or until your kid either publishes a book or gets shot by a gorilla.
The spelling of ‘ho’.
– If you’re gonna post shit about your ho on FB, spell it ‘ho’! Even the 7 dwarves knew this – “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go!” Unless of course, you are in a relationship with a garden variety hoe. And that’s your problem, broe!
Anything further about Whitney, Michael, or Jesus – unless it starts with, ‘Whitney, Michael and Jesus walk into a bar…’.
– If you keep posting these stories, you’re not letting them R.I.P, it’s not a thriller, and I will not always love you.
Coded, thinly veiled, depressing, suicidal messages blatantly aimed at some lover{or ex-band member, or industry…} who has given you short shrift, pumped and dumped, ergo, essentially figured out, like everyone else you ever met, that you take to heartache and rejection like a fish to water. And so you write shit like, “Now I see all and I understand everything, and I know it’s time. 🙁 🙁 .” This is usually followed by a photo of either Whitney or Michael with an airbrushed halo
– Boo hoo and fuck off.

But really, here’s what I got to say to ya’ll: You see that apple on your computer? Notice that there’s only one bite taken out of it. This means that there’s a whole lot of fucking apple left over for you! Go out into the world and take another bite, a BIG bite or two, and may the Darwin be with you.

Posted by Lili Tarkow-Reinisch, copyright, 11/05/2012.

Lili Tarkow-Reinisch is a songwriter, born in the United States and living in London. Her musical career, which began with her writing with Paul Herman {Dido, Eminem, Corinne Bailey Rae} includes 3 songs on “The Millionaires” album ‘{Hush Little Boyfriend’, ‘Gangstar’, and ‘The Good, the Bad and The Ugly’. Lili co-wrote ‘Teenage Girls’ on the Platinum selling “Good News” album by Lena, winner of The 2010 Eurovision Song Contest, and the track, ‘Too Much Love’ with Ellie Goulding (see on YouTube). Lili has 3 songs on the Frida album, “September Blue”, which was released in Europe on 17the March, 2012 and went to Number 1 on the ITunes Charts. Currently, Lili is writing with legendary producer/song-writer Mike Chapman {“Parallel Lines”, ‘Simply The Best’, ‘Hey Mickey’, ‘Living Next Door To Alice} on albums with singer/songwriters Nell Ryder and David Jordan. Lili’s work with Niara Scarlett and Ava Leigh can be heard on the tracks, ‘Once Love Sings’ and ‘Lola’ which are on the upcoming Ava Leigh album, produced by Jonathan Shorten. To follow Lili, or find Lili’s music, contact Lili on her brand new account on Twitter @Lilibelle2.